The Winter Carnival
To keep themselves and their wives up at Possum Lake during the winter, Red and his pals stage a winter-themed carnival. Cast (in order of Appearance): , , , , , , Segments: Red's Campfire Songs, The Possum Lodge Word Game, Handyman Corner, The Experts, Adventures With Bill, If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying DVD: Red Green: Stuffed and Mounted, Vol. 2; The Red Green Show – 1997 Season DVD Commentary by Steve Smith STEVE SMITH: "The Winter Carnival" is one of the episodes out of our seventh season, actually. You can probably look at my beard and pretty much decide what season we're in. Couple things that stood out for me in this episode: well, one of my personal favorite Handymans of all time, making a zamboni out of a K-car, the idea that you can sit on a bar stool on the hood of a car and kick out the windshield, and, uh... and– and– and– and drive it that way so that it's steering from behind, like a zamboni. I don't know, it's just... very few people get a chance to do that, and so I feel very honored. And then the other segment was the Adventure, doing the– We did a Luge thing, but the trouble was, we weren't shooting 'til March. We used to have snow in Canada in March. I mean, now you don't know what you've got. So when you take a look at the Luge, if you take a look right at the edge of the frame, you'll see that... the only snow left in the world was in that ditch, and the rest– everybody else was in bathing suits. Part of the problem of global warming, I guess. Transcript {A title appears reading, "''The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}'' Intro HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now, here he is, a man who walks softly but leaves a big print, your host and hero, my uncle, Red Green! {Harold gestures toward the front door, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow. Red waves to the audience, who applauds. He then waves the noise to die down.} RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Appreciate it. It's, uh, kind of a rough week on the personal side there this week. Bernice and I, we have some friends that have retired and moved to Florida and Bernice is thinking that maybe we should do the same thing. HAROLD GREEN: Wow, that's a bit of a challenge, Uncle Red. Huh! What're you gonna retire from? RED GREEN: The thankless job of not hurting you, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: How come you don't wanna go down to Florida? It'd be great down there! Down there amongst the warmth and all the other old people and stuff! RED GREEN: {stares} Other old people? HAROLD GREEN: Did I say "old people"? RED GREEN: Yeah. HAROLD GREEN: You know what I meant? I meant "older people". 'Cause, y'know, I mean, you are older than some things, y'know, like trees... RED GREEN: {shaking his head} No, I– No, I don't– I don't wanna go down there. I don't wanna go down south. It's like– It's like an elephant burial ground down there, you know? {pantomiming what he says} It's a gathering of people with great big ears and wrinkled skin and they... kinda lumber around the parks, you know? At least, with elephants, they don't forget everything. HAROLD GREEN: They don't carry golf clubs in their trunks. {laughs out loud} Trunks, like... {mimics an elephant trumpeting while holding out his arm like a elephant's trunk} Elephants! Right? Because elephants, they have trunks! But you know what would happen if you did go... {struggles for words} would be, uh, you know, you might make all sorts of new friends. {Red looks uneasy} Okay, well, Aunt Bernice might make friends. RED GREEN: No, no, no. No, I don't wanna go. In fact, what I'm doing is, every time there is an article in the paper of a plane crash, I cut it out and show it to Bernice so she won't wanna fly anywhere, you know? All I gotta do is, convince her that Possum Lake is a great place to be in the winter. HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} How? RED GREEN: Well, you know, if you would move to Florida, that would help me. {smiles} Title sequence {"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red puncturing the radiator of a car with a pitchfork, causing it to leak.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. I'm not gonna ruin that by describing it. {Cut to a shot of Red and Bill on top of a snow-covered hill. Bill is seated on a toboggan, about to slide down. Red pushes him and he goes sliding down. Bill races at a tree.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Uh, Bill's gonna try the Luge thing. There's a tree coming up, Bill. This may feel good. {Cut to a shot of Red and Harold inside the Lodge, covered in bits of snow, trying to get warm. They hear the sound of the "Squeal of the Possum" for meeting time.} RED GREEN: {voiceover} Or not. And it gets very, very cold up at the Lodge. Oh, my gosh! Plot Segment 2 Red's Campfire Song {Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Oh, your hands are connected to your arms. :Your arms are connected to your shoulders. :Your shoulders' connected to your body. :And your body's connected to your head. :Well, your head is connected to... nothing, :Which explains a lot. The Possum Lodge Word Game Handyman Corner The Experts {Harold, Red and Ranger Gord are seated around a table.} HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, part of the show where we like to examine those three little words that men find oh-so-hard to say: {gestures toward audience} AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! HAROLD GREEN: {laughs and grooves} Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo! Joining my uncle Red on this portion of the show is his good friend, Mr. Ranger Gord! {The audience cheers and Gord salutes them.} HAROLD GREEN: Hello, Ranger Gord! {picks up letter} Okay, um, letter reads as follows: "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Gord} Haw! "–I have just been bitten by a snake. I am not sure if it is a poisonous one, and I am hoping that you experts could tell me. The snake has long, yellow stripes and is sharp at one end. Please hurry, as I am in..." {looks at letter, confused} RED GREEN: Is that it? HAROLD GREEN: {showing letter to Red} Well, there's more, but it gets all scribbly... RANGER GORD: Red and, uh, Harold, it's no use answering that letter. The venom from that particular breed of snake can drop even a full-grown birch. {pauses} The person that wrote it probably used up their last ounce of strength licking the stamp just to write that. HAROLD GREEN: {stammers} Like a birch, as in "tree"? RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Now, snakes and trees aren't natural enemies; they don't normally fight. {Red nods} But if the tree were to attack first... the snake will bite back and kill the tree. RED GREEN: Even if the tree stands perfectly still? RANGER GORD: Absolutely. Absolutely, Red. I've seen a lot of strange things during my 18 years up at Fire Watchtower 13. {Harold giggles} But when you first see a tree and a snake battle to the death, you think you're– think you're seeing things. You know, you think it's a trick of lights or maybe one of those strange mushrooms you just ate. {another pause; the audience laughs} But when it happens every day, day after day, or if a tree were to come after you... you better believe it's real, buddy. I just wish I had a camera when it was happening. Or even a pencil. RED GREEN: {nods} Or a girlfriend. HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, Ranger Gord, by the description of this snake, it just sounds like a typical garter snake. RED GREEN: Yeah... HAROLD GREEN: You know what? I don't think there's anything to worry about. It's probably just a joke, you know. {laughs} RANGER GORD: {stares at Harold} And what about the birch, Harold? What about {suddenly yelling} THE BIRCH?!? HAROLD GREEN: Hmm? RED GREEN: Yeah, Harold. RANGER GORD: {looking directly into camera} Red, Harold, everyone, this is an excellent lesson. Think of a snake as a rope. A rope without legs and not available in hardware stores. A lot of people have died at the end of a rope, and a lot of people have died at the end of a snake. Think about it. I did. For five months one winter. Oh, yeah. RED GREEN: Remember, folks, snakes are just as afraid of you as we are of Ranger Gord. Plot Segment 3 Adventures With Bill Plot Segment 4 If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying Plot Segment 5 Fun Facts Inside References *Bill pulls his sled out of his pants. *Bill's sled, after flying through the air after the jump, knocks the left rear-view mirror off the Possum Van. Fast Forward *In House Moving, during Handyman Corner, Red comment on making a Zamboni out of a K-car.